I have a deep tub – perfect for soaking in. I was filling it up with my special sore muscle bubbles when the power went out. Totally and completly pitch black in the bathroom. GREAT I said … and fumbled my way around for my towel and got all wrapped up. Then felt my way to the door and into my bedroom to find my lantern.

The son at the same time was yelling up and on his way with his lantern saying “What did you do?” – I scream back – “don’t come in I’m nekkid!” – he comes in and sees me wrapped in my towel fumbling around for my lantern. He finds it on the nightstand and then runs downstairs – I’ve probably scarred him for life.

THEN I head back in to the bathroom to get dressed – and all of a sudden the house alarm goes off. The son wanted to see if the power was out every where. I’m dressed – run downstairs with my fading lantern just as he disarms the alarm. Then I remember … the phones don’t work during a power outage and the alarm company is going to try and call.

SO I dig around in my purse for my cell phone – then light a few candles – and look for the alarm company phone number. My cell phone goes off – it’s the alarm company! Woo hoo. Yet … the woman doesn’t really believe me while I’m laughing and telling her my story. “What’s your password” – I tell her and she asks “Are you SURE everything is OK?” YES I reassure her and hang up.

I light some more candles – and look for fresh batteries for my lantern. The power comes back on – so I say “I think I’ll go take that bath.” After all I hadn’t drained the tub. I get upstairs and take one look at the tub and say to myself. “If I get in to that tub the sheriff is going to knock on my door and then storm upstairs to make sure I’m ok – and they’ll see me nekkid”. So I sigh deep and then … drain the tub.

Now it’s 15 minutes later – no sheriff – and I’m hyper.  It’s going to be a long night. I should have just jumped in the tub when the lights went out!

{ETA – just got an idea for a new blog post – will write all about it tonight when I get home from work!  Gosh I love it when an idea forms!! }

I’ve been wracking my brains to try and find something to write about here at Willo’s Web that might interest the three regular readers that still check the blog – and for the life of me I can’t come up with a darn thing.  Life has set into a normal routine – and there’s just not too much going on.

I did get a small promotion at work – I’m now a Part-Time Key Lead – which is one step below Assistant Manager at the shop – so it’s one step up the ladder to reach my ultimate goal.  It comes with a minimal pay increase – but more hours.  I think this will really test the limits of my knee injury and tell me if working retail full-time will be beneficial.

I finally got the courage to speak to my dentist about straightening my bottom teeth.  I’ve seen this new invisialign process that seems to work really well – did my research – and am moving forward with it.  I had to pay for it all myself since I have CRAPPY HIPPA insurance that PAYS NOTHING.  But I had some saved up and decided to do it.  I’ll have to wear the clear bracket for a year – switching them out every two weeks – to slowly realign the teeth.  The scary part is they have to do a little filing between my teeth to make room for the shifting.  Seriously – that scare the living bejeezus out of me and I don’t want to think about it.

I’ve been thinking a lot about traveling – I even sent away for a Disney Vacations brochure – and the wanderlust is setting in.  I’d love to head over to Ireland and Scotland, a trip to Australia, or even just another weekend up in Asheville.  But that will all have to wait till I find someone to travel with – it’s just not safe to go these places alone at my age.  Besides – it wouldn’t be that much fun if there wasn’t someone to share the experience with.

I still miss Jim on a daily basis – but I have to start living my life.  It’s time.

A few things I know for certain.

• Jim is gone – and no matter how much I miss him – he’s not coming back.
• I will love him for eternity and beyond
• I am so lonely right now it is insane – Jim promised I wouldn’t be alone.  How could he promise that?
• The thought of dating other people scares me to death – since I’ve never actually “dated” in the traditional sense.  I’m not even sure I want to meet someone else.   I just know I don’t want to be alone any more.
• The thought of dating other people causes a great deal of guilt for me.  Some might see it as a betrayal to Jim’s memory.  But to them I have to say – Jim didn’t want me to be alone – what else could his promise have meant?
• Fate is a fickle b*tch – there are times when she throws situations in your face you can’t ignore.  Other times she moves along so slowly you can’t help but make hasty decisions just to speed things along.  So the lesson is not to make decisions hastily – but then over analyzing them can’t be the answer either.
• No matter what we do in life – someone is going to be unhappy with your decisions.
• I’m ready in some ways for another relationship.  But in other ways I’m not.  It’s the thought of rejection that scares me the most.  And I’m not 100% comfortable with myself at the moment – it wouldn’t be fair to drag someone else in to my emotional mess.

There are a TON of things I’m just not sure of … not yet.  But isn’t that what makes life fun?  The unexpected events that all come together .. almost perfectly?

I’m ready for a serendipitous moment.  But I’m not ready to force the hands of Fate.

Just … hurry up.  I’m not sure if I can wait.

Life isn’t like the stories that we read.  Life isn’t going to always guarantee a happy ending.  And as grown ups we have to realize this to be the truth.  Perhaps this is why Fairy Tales are for children – when immortality is an actual feasible possibility in your mind.  As we grow older – as mortality stares us in the face – we learn on a daily basis what our limits are – and sometimes we forget that promise of a happy ending that storybooks gave us.

Tonight I am missing my Jim.  I am missing my happy ending.  I am left wondering what happens when the happy ending is over?  When you reach the last page of the book – and the couple has ridden off in to the sunset – the story just ends.  THE END.  But I almost always want to know what happens next – and if I’ve read a story that is part of a sequel I often find myself running to the book store to grab the next one.  And the next one.  And the next one.

But in life I can’t do that.  I’m running out of patience I think in trying to discover what happens next in my story.  Do I wait for a serendipitous** moment to occur – that fortunate accident that will direct the rest of my life?  For the past few months I feel I’ve been on auto drive – and while that isn’t always a bad thing – I have to wonder what I’m missing.  I’m not really experiencing much emotion – other than anger at times – and then melancholy moments like tonight.  Moments when I have too much time on my hands – watching sappy love stories – and letting the mind wander back to times of remiss.

I’ve been thinking about what would the world remember me for after I’m gone.    And WHO will remember me?  My son – yes.  My sisters – yes.   My parents – of course if they out live me.   Will I just be known as that poor girl who lost her husband so young?

The mind will continue to wander as I drift of in to sleep tonight.  And tomorrow will be another day in my “Life After Happily-Ever-After” .    It is up to me to decide if I should leave that life in the hands of Fate – or to take control of the story and lead a life I think I want to have.     It’s not easy writing these new chapters in life – and knowing there are no guarantees that I’ll find another happy ending – that I won’t always be alone.  It’s that uncertainty that almost ALWAYS holds me back.  And this is why I’m missing Jim – because he helped me to decide.  He gave me the courage to do uncertain things.   For now … it is up to me.

** you know I couldn’t write tonight without using my new favorite word!

It’s very difficult for me to trust people – I think the majority of those who know me understand this.  It’s why it’s difficult for me to allow others in to my world.  It’s one of the main reasons I remain a hermit {of sorts} – have no truly close friends.  But it’s also the reason I’m feeling lonely this week … the lack of close human contact.  Having that ONE person who just gets you … and can be there for you when you just need to be YOU.