A few things I know for certain.

• Jim is gone – and no matter how much I miss him – he’s not coming back.
• I will love him for eternity and beyond
• I am so lonely right now it is insane – Jim promised I wouldn’t be alone.  How could he promise that?
• The thought of dating other people scares me to death – since I’ve never actually “dated” in the traditional sense.  I’m not even sure I want to meet someone else.   I just know I don’t want to be alone any more.
• The thought of dating other people causes a great deal of guilt for me.  Some might see it as a betrayal to Jim’s memory.  But to them I have to say – Jim didn’t want me to be alone – what else could his promise have meant?
• Fate is a fickle b*tch – there are times when she throws situations in your face you can’t ignore.  Other times she moves along so slowly you can’t help but make hasty decisions just to speed things along.  So the lesson is not to make decisions hastily – but then over analyzing them can’t be the answer either.
• No matter what we do in life – someone is going to be unhappy with your decisions.
• I’m ready in some ways for another relationship.  But in other ways I’m not.  It’s the thought of rejection that scares me the most.  And I’m not 100% comfortable with myself at the moment – it wouldn’t be fair to drag someone else in to my emotional mess.

There are a TON of things I’m just not sure of … not yet.  But isn’t that what makes life fun?  The unexpected events that all come together .. almost perfectly?

I’m ready for a serendipitous moment.  But I’m not ready to force the hands of Fate.

Just … hurry up.  I’m not sure if I can wait.

The creative juices are flowing – and I always tell myself when you have the urge to write – DO IT! I was responding to a challenge over at the BLL – and typed up this long blog posting. Wanted to share it here to – perhaps give some understanding in to why I’m such a loner. Besides – I’m kicking around a book idea and this helps me create some depth in my character.

Here’s the story of an Urban Bohemian Hermit. I guess my hermit-hood began when I first moved to Florida – during my first marriage. My first husband was in the Navy – we moved to the Jacksonville area during the Persian War and he shipped out a few weeks after our arrival. I was left alone – a brand new mom with a three month old in a brand new town – having left all my friends and family behind in Virginia. Sure I met a few Navy wives – but as most military families understand – these friendships come and go per Uncle Sam’s whim!

When I divorced hubby #1 I was a single mom. Didn’t have much time for fun and friends. I worked full -time then dedicated my free time to healing the heart of a little boy who didn’t understand where his dad had run off to. I did eventually want to date – and as silly as it might sound – joined an Internet Message Forum for people in the Orlando area. I met my REAL husband Jim in an online chat room on April Fool’s Day. It was love at first chat We agreed to meet a few months later during a public gathering of the members of the forum – and we were together ever since.

I up and moved once again – away from a great job and potential friends. I was in love – got married – went back to college. I was working at a great job when Jim got sick – so any hopes of a social life with my work mates evaporated with his illness. My employer didn’t understand – I received a bad review at work because I wasn’t social enough. Hubby had just had a Kidney Transplant – my priority was to be with him and my son as often as I could. I think I knew our time was short lived at that point.

When Jim’s diabetes caused him to almost fall asleep while driving back and forth to work – he went on permanent disability. I found a job 5 minutes away from home – that turned out to be a disaster. I left that job and have been out of work ever since. Jim passed away 8 months after I left that job – and I thank god every day that I had that time at home with him. Otherwise I would have been working 80 hour weeks for a company that didn’t care about us. I wouldn’t have been around when Jim needed me the most.

When Jim passed away I realized … all of “our” friends were really Jim’s friends. My parents retired and moved to Seattle to be closer to my sisters – leaving my son and I completly and totally .. ALONE. When I tell people I am a hermit … I’m not joking. I do not know one single soul who lives near me. So – there is no support system here at home. It is just me. I rely on myself. I’m the only one who can hold me responsible for my weight loss endeavors. I’ve been taking care of myself for almost three years now. Some would say I’ve been taking care of myself the majority of my adult life. They think I’m a strong person – when I’m really not. They don’t see me cry myself to sleep at night.

Sure there are times when it gets really lonely – and perhaps that’s why I spend so much time Online. But I truly believe that I needed time to myself to #1 – figure out who I am as a person #2 – heal my heart in my own way following the death of Jim. If I had allowed myself to follow my family to Seattle I’d be miserable – and I’d be living the life my parents want for me … not a life I want for myself.

Now that I’m finally figuring out what I want to do … perhaps I’ll have room in my heart to allow another person. But really – it is going to be so very difficult for me to trust anyone. Friend or otherwise. I’ve been through a lot these past few years … and I just don’t know how I’d be around other people. I’ve certainly forgotten the social graces – and have no idea how to even begin.

So yeah … that’s why I call myself an Urban Bohemian Hermit – I live in this great big city – but I’m all alone.

The adventures in Hermit hood continue!

The majority of the time I enjoy the peace that single life gives me.  I don’t have to compromise on anything – and I can live exactly how I chose to live.  HOWEVER – there are moments when I NEED another person in my life.  Like last night, for example.

I took the dog for a longer walk than usual yesterday afternoon – and ended up having to carry him the last 1/4 mile home.  He weighs in at about 20 pounds – so it was a definite boost to my walking workout.  I was fine .. breathing OK ..legs carried the extra weight all right.  When I got home I just needed some extra water.

As I was watching American Idol last night I decided to do a few stand-up exercises I learned of Jillian Michaels 30-Day shred.   I can’t do her whole DVD because of my knee – so I borrow some of her moves and throw them in throughout the day just to get my heart pumping.  I did “butt kicks” and punches last night … not too many .. but enough to burn a few extra calories.

I headed to bed about 11pm last night .. my foot was a tiny bit sore so I took some Advil.  Sometimes I get cramps in my legs – it’s just one of the things we losing weight have to deal with as we exercise.  I was able to get to sleep fine .. and was snoozing away until about 3am.   I woke up and my right foot was KILLING ME!  It was probably one of the worst pains I’ve experienced in my entire life.

I groggily sat up in bed thinking … well crap … I’ve got a stress fracture in my ankle and how am I going to drive my car while it heals?   Once again – my son would be trapped in Tampa because I couldn’t drive to go get him {note  – the son really needs to build his confidence up and drive himself!}  I thought if I drove myself to the ER – and they had to put a cast on – how would I get home?  So … I decided to suck up the pain till Friday afternoon after I picked up my son.

I remembered I had Tylenol 3 in the kitchen drawer – and hobbled downstairs to get some.  The climb back up to bed was more a crawl on the stairs.  Then I rubbed Ben Gay into the muscles … at this point I was in tears because it just hurt so bad.  I grabbed my laptop and started looking up “Stress Fracture” online while I waited for the Tylenol 3 to kick in.

About 20 minutes later the medication kicked in .. the pain subsided to a bearable point .. and the codeine knocked me out.  When I woke up at 9am this morning – the pain was completly gone and I’m feeling fine.  I will however baby my right foot for the next few days to make sure the pain does not come back!  I’m starting to think now that I may have just experienced one of the worst “leg cramps” I’ve had in my entire life … or perhaps I just strained the muscles carrying the dog and I had to let it rest.

Either way … it made me realize I really do need to meet some people here in Orlando … and get to know them well enough so if I did have an emergency like this .. I could count on them to help me.  That is going to be difficult for me – I need to learn to trust other people – and not be afraid to let them in to my life.  It’s something I’ve added to my Wheel Of Life Mandala … and will work on a little every day.

Grief manifests itself in a vast number of ways.  It’s really personal when you come to think of it … different for every person.  Different for each love lost for that matter.  We don’t grieve the same way for a lost friend, the way we do for a lost husband or wife.  For me I am learning that grief sneaks up on me .. haunts me for a few days .. manifests in my head before grabbing my heart. 

I’m having a rough week.

I’ve been having a major pity party for myself this week.  I’ve allowed the grief to give me permission to eat poorly, to not exercise.  My grief counselor would tell me that the fact my parents went home at the same time as my husbands birthday – before Thanksgiving – was just another form of abandonment in my life.  That’s why I don’t see her anymore.  My parents aren’t responsible for my life … I’m responsible for it and how I allow the grief to wash over and consume me.  I am fully responsible for my actions this week … and it is I who must dig my way out.

This week I’ve tried to ignore the emotions … telling myself they would go away on their own.  I’ve pushed them so far into the back of my mind that I’m ready to burst.  I’ve refrained from writing about my emotions here on my blog because I know how concerned my family and e-friends get when I fall into these moods.  There too are some who I would rather not know how I feel – for they may revel in the thought I’m struggling.  But I’ve once again come to the conclusion that bottling up the emotions just hurts me more … so the emotions have been set free today and I’m finally allowing myself to grieve.  Again.

I’ve given up expecting the grief to get better or to go away.  I don’t think it will ever go away completly.  So I’ve got to learn better ways to handle the emotion.  Rather than bottling it up .. allowing it to manifest into binge eating patterns .. I’ve got to embrace the emotion and allow myself to FEEL .. to let it all out .. and then move on once again.  Finding that other release is more difficult than you can imagine.  But I do know when I write about how I feel .. it helps.

So forgive my selfish need to share my grief with the world.  It is not meant to cause alarm or concern in my family and friends.  It’s meant as a way to release the grief demon inside my head so I can move on.  And perhaps by sharing my experience others can learn ways to manage their own pain in a less destructive manner as well.   It’s part of tackling the emotional side to obesity … learning to manage pain in other ways.

So here I am confessing to you .. I have eaten poorly this week.  I’ve not exercised the way I’m supposed to {though I did play Wii golf on Thanksgiving}.  I’ve sat on my bum feeling sorry for myself.  I’ve neglected my Chubby Network team and my course work.  I’ve come close to convincing myself I’ll NEVER get out of this dark place … and that I will be a consummate failure the rest of my life.

But I’m also learning so much about myself .. about finding strength within when I need it most.  Where before I couldn’t see my destructive behavior till it was too late .. I see the behavior.  I KNOW what I’m doing needs to stop .. and I’m taking steps to prevent myself from wallowing yet another day.  Because tomorrow will come whether I want it to or not.  And the tomorrows will keep on coming.  I can chose to live in the dark place … or I can chose to move forward.

Moving forward sounds so much better.

{I also think I need to stop watching Grey’s Anatomy.  Izzy’s struggle with Denny just hit too close to home!}

ETA: 1.7 pound weight loss this week – woo hoo!

I write this here because I have no voice anywhere else. No one will listen … and I’m sure no one else cares. Unless you have been in my position you could never understand .. so how can I even begin to explain?

I think my dislike for other human beings began while I worked at WOFL-WRBW – the local UPN and FOX stations here in Orlando. Working in the television business as a fat chick was an every day battle among the pretty and thin. You had to work twice as hard to prove yourself .. and then the pretty people ended up taking credit for all of your work. The last straw working there was my last evaluation. After having received a “4″ in previous years – the highest score one can get – I received a “3″ on my review. The reason stated – I wasn’t social enough. I didn’t mix well with the others in my department … I needed to make more of an effort to get away from my desk and mingle with the others. I think it’s the first time in all of history someone was encouraged to NOT WORK while at work.

This was after Jim’s Kidney transplant … the office had moved from the backlot of Universal Studios up to Lake Mary … and it was at least a 75 minute drive home every night. Obviously I didn’t want to stay after work to mingle with my co-workers. I had a very sick husband at home and a son that needed me. So I started searching for a job closer to home and landed a position as Director Of Marketing for the local golf course – and it’s sister course in Clermont.

Once again I worked my tail off … spending 40 hours in office and another 30 – 40 hours working from home. The hurricanes hit and destroyed the two golf courses club houses … and the decline of my position here started. The General Manager and I didn’t see eye-to-eye … when you consider he thought a womans place was at home barefoot and pregnant. He encouraged me to hire “young pretty” sales girls. When he finally told me the company refused to meet the terms of my employment contract – I decided to take the $20,000 loss and quit on the spot. I was unemployed for 8 months prior to Jim entering the hospital.

During that 8 month time period I learned to loath interviewing. I sent out 150 resumes to 150 different companies in the Orlando area. I went on 8 job interviews … and was dismissed almost immediately upon entering the room. There was nothing wrong with my credentials … you see .. I didn’t exude a professional image. I was too fat. That’s the new code word in the marketing industry .. when you read “exude a professional image” in the job description that means “Fatties and Unattractive people need not apply.”

I’m very bitter over this period in my life … rejection after rejection often wears one down considerably. You lose confidence in yourself and you really REALLY start to hate the human race. Because you can see it in their eyes when you walk in to an interview … one second they’re excited to have you coming in because your qualifications are most excellent. But the second they raise their head from your resume – and they look at you – you can SEE IT. The look of “Oh … well … no. You’re fat.”

When Jim passed away I decided the best thing for me to do was lose weight .. and I’ve been doing my best having dropped from 290 pounds. I got down to 245 with Jenny Craig … went back up to 270 when I came off Jenny Craig .. but I’m now back down to 263 today. I started my job search again …. reluctantly because I do not want that path of rejection again. But I have to get a job … otherwise I don’t have insurance.

I’ve tried purchasing individual policies .. from Blue Cross-Blue Shield and Aetna. But I can’t get past the “Height and Weight” stages of the application. Messages pop up that read “We’re sorry but we’re unable to provide coverage for you at this time due to ‘ medical conditions.’ ” Well … I haven’t entered my medical history yet … so you mean you won’t cover me because I’m fat? Because being 5′ 7″ tall isn’t some new sort of medical worry I should have … is it? I have the money to pay for individual coverage … so cover me damn it!

I broke down this afternoon when I got the Aetna decision. I cried for about 30 minutes .. because that overwhelming feeling of rejection has creeped in again. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get over the thought that I’m not good enough. I’ll never be good enough … for anything. That’s what Discrimination does to people. It wears you down till you feel smaller than the smallest atom.

A young girl was run down by some crazy hater the other day. He ran her over simply because she was black. She weeped in her hospital bed saying she was afraid to leave … afraid that people will continue to hate her simply because she’s black.

I’m afraid people will discount me – hate me – simply because I’m fat. I’m never going to be a Size 2 … that’s just not a realistic option for me. I’m never going to weigh an “ideal weight” … even at my thinnest I still weighed 160 pounds .. that’s the top of the ideal weight for my height. So what the hell is one supposed to do when they can’t get individual insurance coverage because they don’t meet societies twisted ideal of normal? What happens when one can’t get a job because of the same reason? I’m tired of always having to prove myself .. I’m tired of petty discriminations and stereotypical judgment.

I have grown to mistrust and be wary around people I don’t know well. It’s sad … but that’s not going to change for a very long time. {Ehhh … I’m just whining .. no need to worry mom.}