I’ve been holding off posting a new Poem in my weekly Prose section … because the next one is so very dark . it’s almost scary. You have to remember that after my husband died – I fell into a really dark and deep depression – one that I didn’t realize I was in until much later. It was this day I think I may have been at my lowest point .. and it’s when I realized it was time to crawl out of the dark hole and live my own life again. Written on New Years Day … waking up from yet another nightmare …

No Solace

Inside my head a monster lives
hidden from the world.
She dare not show her evil side,
so she resides there on her own.

In times of stress, of fear, of rage
she stands in place and screams

and screams

Tearing from her head her hair
spinning in the breeze.

For she represents what I can not show
for fear of being discovered.
To write this poem I shan’t continue
for sure it will be uncovered.

But still she remains …
and still she screams

And still she screams

she screams

screams

SCREAMS

And still she screams
For tonight there is no solace.

Just A Moment
Friday February 23^rd, 2007

There are moments in time when I hear your voice
I turn to listen … but you’re gone.
I often feel that I have no choice,
I stop … I sigh … I try to go on.
But my heart skips a beat
it silently weeps.
alone

I have posted this poem on my blog before.  It’s not new .. but if I continue to go in the order they were written, this would come next in chronological order.  It is written in French.  Don’t ask me why I wrote it in French … I just did.  It sounds much better than the English translation .. it just sort of rolls off your tongue.  I’ve been asked before to provide an English translation … and I will today.  But remember .. the translation won’t do the work justice.  It will just be an explanation of what the poem says.

Je Manque de Toi – October 30,2006

Je manque de toi mon amour.
Chaque seul jour… il blesse que vous êtes parti.
Je manque de toi mon amour.

Je me lamente sur les plus petites choses.
Il n’est pas juste.
Il n’est pas juste que vous soyez allé.
Cette vie a passé.

Il n’est pas juste que je sois laissé seul – pour faire face au monde – sur mes seuls.
J’ai besoin de vous.
Je manque de vous.
JE T’AIME !

Je manque de toi mon amour…

And the English Translation:

I miss of you my love … – October 30, 2006

I miss you my love.

Each and every day, it hurts that you left.

I miss you my love.

I am angry at the smallest things.

It’s not right

It’s not right that you went.

That life has passed.

It’s not right that I’m left alone -To face the world on my own.

I need you.

I miss you.

I love you.

I miss you my love.

I actually wrote this poem before Jim passed away. I was becoming more and more upset over the rejection of my work search, I believe it was after hearing I hadn’t made the Biggest Loser Season 3, and I had a temper tantrum. I remember that day I went for a rather long walk .. I stomped my way around the track several times in tears. After stomping my way home, I sat down and wrote this poem. The emotion behind the anger is rejection .. and probably defeat. I was angry at the whole world that day …

Anger Erupts – March 2006

I sit here with no joy, only sorrow
It’s holding my heart down
Chaining it to the ground

Why does there have to be a tomorrow
I sit and watch the world
Swirl around me with no sound

Anger erupts

And I drown

Anger erupts

And I’m down

When does the pain end?
Where is the sunshine?
Why is there no one else around?

The tears are falling
And I’m calling
And I’m screaming
But I don’t know where I’m bound!

I started hearing the poems while I slept … I’d be dreaming and the words would pop into my head. This one came to me in the form of a song. I got up to write the words … but then realized that there was no way for me to capture the music that fell underneath the words. So half the meaning of the song is lost forever. This is why I’ve titled the poem The Song That Wasn’t ~ January 16, 2008

I’m frozen inside
can’t stand on my own.
Don’t know which path to choose,
which direction leads to home.

Confusion abounds
I just don’t know what to do
My life can’t go on
I’m so lost without you.

Each day I search, to find who I am
What used to be US – that’s all gone.
It’s time to move on, but I can’t
I’m afraid, now I’m all alone.

You’ll notice a recurring theme in these first poems .. they were written over the past two years in moments of anger or anguish … from a grieving heart. They don’t reflect how I’m feeling at the moment … so don’t worry! This poem has never made it to the web site … and there are two others that will follow over the next two weeks .. from that very dark time of my life. But they’re raw emotion and they need to be included in the collection.