ETA: 1.7 pound weight loss this week – woo hoo!

I write this here because I have no voice anywhere else. No one will listen … and I’m sure no one else cares. Unless you have been in my position you could never understand .. so how can I even begin to explain?

I think my dislike for other human beings began while I worked at WOFL-WRBW – the local UPN and FOX stations here in Orlando. Working in the television business as a fat chick was an every day battle among the pretty and thin. You had to work twice as hard to prove yourself .. and then the pretty people ended up taking credit for all of your work. The last straw working there was my last evaluation. After having received a “4″ in previous years – the highest score one can get – I received a “3″ on my review. The reason stated – I wasn’t social enough. I didn’t mix well with the others in my department … I needed to make more of an effort to get away from my desk and mingle with the others. I think it’s the first time in all of history someone was encouraged to NOT WORK while at work.

This was after Jim’s Kidney transplant … the office had moved from the backlot of Universal Studios up to Lake Mary … and it was at least a 75 minute drive home every night. Obviously I didn’t want to stay after work to mingle with my co-workers. I had a very sick husband at home and a son that needed me. So I started searching for a job closer to home and landed a position as Director Of Marketing for the local golf course – and it’s sister course in Clermont.

Once again I worked my tail off … spending 40 hours in office and another 30 – 40 hours working from home. The hurricanes hit and destroyed the two golf courses club houses … and the decline of my position here started. The General Manager and I didn’t see eye-to-eye … when you consider he thought a womans place was at home barefoot and pregnant. He encouraged me to hire “young pretty” sales girls. When he finally told me the company refused to meet the terms of my employment contract – I decided to take the $20,000 loss and quit on the spot. I was unemployed for 8 months prior to Jim entering the hospital.

During that 8 month time period I learned to loath interviewing. I sent out 150 resumes to 150 different companies in the Orlando area. I went on 8 job interviews … and was dismissed almost immediately upon entering the room. There was nothing wrong with my credentials … you see .. I didn’t exude a professional image. I was too fat. That’s the new code word in the marketing industry .. when you read “exude a professional image” in the job description that means “Fatties and Unattractive people need not apply.”

I’m very bitter over this period in my life … rejection after rejection often wears one down considerably. You lose confidence in yourself and you really REALLY start to hate the human race. Because you can see it in their eyes when you walk in to an interview … one second they’re excited to have you coming in because your qualifications are most excellent. But the second they raise their head from your resume – and they look at you – you can SEE IT. The look of “Oh … well … no. You’re fat.”

When Jim passed away I decided the best thing for me to do was lose weight .. and I’ve been doing my best having dropped from 290 pounds. I got down to 245 with Jenny Craig … went back up to 270 when I came off Jenny Craig .. but I’m now back down to 263 today. I started my job search again …. reluctantly because I do not want that path of rejection again. But I have to get a job … otherwise I don’t have insurance.

I’ve tried purchasing individual policies .. from Blue Cross-Blue Shield and Aetna. But I can’t get past the “Height and Weight” stages of the application. Messages pop up that read “We’re sorry but we’re unable to provide coverage for you at this time due to ‘ medical conditions.’ ” Well … I haven’t entered my medical history yet … so you mean you won’t cover me because I’m fat? Because being 5′ 7″ tall isn’t some new sort of medical worry I should have … is it? I have the money to pay for individual coverage … so cover me damn it!

I broke down this afternoon when I got the Aetna decision. I cried for about 30 minutes .. because that overwhelming feeling of rejection has creeped in again. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get over the thought that I’m not good enough. I’ll never be good enough … for anything. That’s what Discrimination does to people. It wears you down till you feel smaller than the smallest atom.

A young girl was run down by some crazy hater the other day. He ran her over simply because she was black. She weeped in her hospital bed saying she was afraid to leave … afraid that people will continue to hate her simply because she’s black.

I’m afraid people will discount me – hate me – simply because I’m fat. I’m never going to be a Size 2 … that’s just not a realistic option for me. I’m never going to weigh an “ideal weight” … even at my thinnest I still weighed 160 pounds .. that’s the top of the ideal weight for my height. So what the hell is one supposed to do when they can’t get individual insurance coverage because they don’t meet societies twisted ideal of normal? What happens when one can’t get a job because of the same reason? I’m tired of always having to prove myself .. I’m tired of petty discriminations and stereotypical judgment.

I have grown to mistrust and be wary around people I don’t know well. It’s sad … but that’s not going to change for a very long time. {Ehhh … I’m just whining .. no need to worry mom.}