Life isn’t like the stories that we read.  Life isn’t going to always guarantee a happy ending.  And as grown ups we have to realize this to be the truth.  Perhaps this is why Fairy Tales are for children – when immortality is an actual feasible possibility in your mind.  As we grow older – as mortality stares us in the face – we learn on a daily basis what our limits are – and sometimes we forget that promise of a happy ending that storybooks gave us.

Tonight I am missing my Jim.  I am missing my happy ending.  I am left wondering what happens when the happy ending is over?  When you reach the last page of the book – and the couple has ridden off in to the sunset – the story just ends.  THE END.  But I almost always want to know what happens next – and if I’ve read a story that is part of a sequel I often find myself running to the book store to grab the next one.  And the next one.  And the next one.

But in life I can’t do that.  I’m running out of patience I think in trying to discover what happens next in my story.  Do I wait for a serendipitous** moment to occur – that fortunate accident that will direct the rest of my life?  For the past few months I feel I’ve been on auto drive – and while that isn’t always a bad thing – I have to wonder what I’m missing.  I’m not really experiencing much emotion – other than anger at times – and then melancholy moments like tonight.  Moments when I have too much time on my hands – watching sappy love stories – and letting the mind wander back to times of remiss.

I’ve been thinking about what would the world remember me for after I’m gone.    And WHO will remember me?  My son – yes.  My sisters – yes.   My parents – of course if they out live me.   Will I just be known as that poor girl who lost her husband so young?

The mind will continue to wander as I drift of in to sleep tonight.  And tomorrow will be another day in my “Life After Happily-Ever-After” .    It is up to me to decide if I should leave that life in the hands of Fate – or to take control of the story and lead a life I think I want to have.     It’s not easy writing these new chapters in life – and knowing there are no guarantees that I’ll find another happy ending – that I won’t always be alone.  It’s that uncertainty that almost ALWAYS holds me back.  And this is why I’m missing Jim – because he helped me to decide.  He gave me the courage to do uncertain things.   For now … it is up to me.

** you know I couldn’t write tonight without using my new favorite word!